Return to the Breath: A Year of Growth

What a year! I was given an incredible gift from Blue Sky Yoga that has made a lasting impact on me. Approximately one year ago, in January 2018, I walked into Blue Sky Yoga for the first time. I had been practicing yoga for years and had just completed yoga teacher training and decided to attend a class at Blue Sky Yoga. Walking in the studio I immediately enjoyed the warm atmosphere and beautiful sense of community. I was eager to begin the January challenge and enjoyed embracing a challenge for myself of 25 classes in one month. It was a busy month. And many of you saw that I was just barely getting there in time for a class to start! But, I did it. Not so I could puff up my ego, not to let the whole world know, and not with the intention of reshaping my body. I did it to further develop my practice, to experience yoga with a myriad of teachers, to infiltrate my mind, body and spirit with a sense of peace and renewal through mindful yoga practice.

I spent the last evening of January 2018 practicing yoga in two classes in order to reach my 25-class goal. That evening, as I left the studio, I drove home feeling energized as I reflected on spending the first month of 2018 gaining focus, clarity, energy, and peace. I truly felt full and grateful for the physical and emotional space to grow my practice at BSY. I was thankful for each breath I’d been given and the physical body that had allowed me to show up each day at the mat. My body was tired, but one of those good “tireds” the kind of tired that leads you to an amazing night of sleep.

The following morning I headed into work like any other day. As I pulled into the school parking lot I noticed I had a facebook notification from someone and it caught my eye. I was prompted to open it up and take a look. I kept staring at my phone in disbelief, at first not allowing myself to get excited because I might not be reading it correctly. After a double, then triple-check I realized I had won the grand prize ONE YEAR FREE Unlimited Yoga! I was beyond thrilled and bounced out of my car as I literally danced up and down the sidewalks. I began to draw a crowd as teachers gathered at their classroom windows attempting to understand what was “wrong” with me. I bolted into the school, made an announcement to staff of my winnings and continued to dance up and down the hallways, in and out of classrooms! It was a day filled with excitement and pure joy! It was just the beginning of an incredible journey!

In the first months of the year I found myself indulging in classes I’d never attended, meeting fellow yogis, and being led in practice by a variety of instructors. Each time I parked and then bounced my way to the doors of the studio, I felt a surge of gratitude. Gratitude for the space that was beginning to feel like home and the faces of those who were becoming more familiar. Gratitude for my body, my breath, and opportunities to calm my mind and accomplish a sense of grounding.

During the winter and spring months I found enormous challenges in my job. These challenges were stressful, emotionally draining and took a physical toll at times. Those who were close to me often pointed out how this gift from BSY couldn’t have come at a better time, and I agreed. After a long day at work, a day feeling defeated, I eagerly anticipated my outlet and retreat at BSY near the end of the day. During my yoga practice I was reminded to return to the breath and found myself melting into my mat, letting go of the stressors. Enjoying another opportunity to find peace, strength, and gratitude.

As the summer months approached, I began establishing a routine. There were specific classes I found myself gravitating towards and it felt strange whenever I wasn’t able to attend them. Not only was I becoming more comfortable at the studio, but I was also becoming more comfortable with myself, my practice, and my body. I was also finding a sense of balance in various areas of my life, with family, friends, responsibilities. As I pursued new career opportunities, I was eventually led to a new position in the fall. This new position was full of promise and change. I found that yoga led me to a place within myself that was healthy and strong which allowed me to prepare for the new adventures that were ahead.

Autumn isn’t typically viewed as a season of renewal. However, it was for me. New adventures, routines, and people to meet as I began a fresh new opportunity. As this renewal began in my life, it also created a space in my yoga practice. I found myself settling into the familiar space with a renewed sense of excitement and anticipation. I began pursuing a deeper sense of inner peace and stillness. I challenged myself to find a deeper sense of love…for myself and others.

As the end of my free year approached, I found myself trying to squeeze in as many classes as I could although I knew I’d be returning to BSY long after the year was completed. How could I not return to this space that has held me through so many different emotions and allowed me to experience and grow so much? My heart is full when I look back on the year I was given at BSY. It’s an experience I will always look back and remember as a time of growth and I will return to that strong sense of gratitude for the gift and opportunity.

I Am Strong: Part 2 - Mind

Strength of Mind

As I mentioned in part 1 of this two part blog, by the end of day one of Blue Sky’s January yoga challenge, I was pretty over it, both physically and mentally. I’m glad I didn’t listen to the nagging voice that told me it wasn’t worth it and to quit, though, because what I gained was an increased awareness of just how strong I am, both in body and in mind.

You Can Survive Anything for an Hour

It was a mental challenge not only to get to yoga everyday (sometimes twice a day), but to choose to participate fully and not check out. Multiple days I (half) joked that I planned to be in child’s pose for most of the class. I knew, though, that while that was always an option (if I truly needed it), it wouldn’t be one that I would choose unless it was what my body truly needed. There is a scene from the Netflix series Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt where the main character states ‘“I learned a long time ago that a person can stand just about anything for 10 seconds, then you just start on a new 10 seconds. All you’ve got to do is take it 10 seconds at a time.” During this January challenge I decided that, similarly to the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, I would take things one moment (or one hour) at a time, both on and off the mat.

On the Mat

On the mat during moments when I felt like I needed to give up and I couldn’t finish out the class, I chose to stay in the present pose for just a moment longer. In moments when my mind was tempted to drift to thoughts and emotions outside the present moment, either making sense of something from earlier that day or planning for something that would come later, I chose to stay in the ‘now’ for just another moment. Oftentimes after that ‘moment’ I found I could choose to stay another moment, and another moment, and so on until the moments became minutes and sometimes, the minutes became the vast majority of the hour. I learned through this practice that my mind and body are stronger than I often give them credit for, and I can tolerate much more than I think I can. While there were many days I felt tired and weak, I recognized that my greatest limitation was not my body, but the power I gave my mind. This lesson began to extend and generalize far beyond the mat for me as I learned just how much more I could tolerate off the mat as well.

Off the Mat

We live in a world where distractions are just a fingertip away. When an unpleasant emotion arises within us, it is so easy to turn to any number of avoidance behaviors to ease the intensity of what’s going on in our heart and our mind. Whether it is scrolling through Instagram or Facebook, binging on Netflix or Hulu (my current drug of choice), eating or drinking our feelings away, exercising until we can’t think, or any other number of mind-numbing deflections, we live in a time when distraction from what we’re truly feeling often seems much easier than actually engaging with our emotions.

January brought with it a lot of unexpected heartache, and as someone who experiences emotions deeply, the temptation was certainly there to numb myself out to the pain. Recognizing on my mat that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, I made the decision not to try to avoid the emotional pain I was feeling off the mat, but instead to allow myself to face and feel all of my emotions, both positive and negative. I’ve learned that we can’t selectively numb our emotions; we either keep ourselves open to our emotional experiences, or we don’t. We can’t numb ourselves to pain, but still expect to experience pleasure. We can’t shut ourselves off to disappointment, but still expect to experience joy. As humans, we are either open to our emotional experiences — ups and downs and everything in between — or we are not.

There were moments during the challenge when my emotions felt like they would consume me, but I reminded myself that just as I can survive an hour of yoga on the mat, I can survive an hour of thoughts and feelings off the mat. And here’s the thing about the many difficult feelings January brought with it: while they felt all consuming, they didn’t devour me. While emotional and physical pain can feel overwhelming, the comforting truth is that neither will last forever. So I have chosen (and will continue to choose) to give it my all on the mat, because my body is capable. In my day-to-day existence, I will let myself cry so that I can also laugh, to feel heartbreak so that I can also feel love, and to experience disappointment so that I can also experience joy and gratitude and hope.

Come as You Are

On and off the mat, it took an immense amount of strength to show up physically and mentally exactly as I was during January’s challenge. I’ve carried that strength with me past January’s challenge and continue to work on staying present in the moment, no matter how I’m feeling physically or emotionally. My mantra this week has been some variation of “I am okay.” On harder days, it is simply, “I am okay” and on my better days, “I am okay; I am more than okay.”

I would challenge everyone wherever they are in mind and body, to dare to let themselves be fully present to physical, emotional, and mental experiences exactly as they are, all while knowing that deep down I am okay and can survive anything for one more hour.

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite reminders of the impermanence of our emotions, Rumi’s “The Guest House”

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all.

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

I Am Strong: Part 1 - Body

If I’m being honest, by the end of day one of this month’s yoga challenge, I was pretty over it. My body was weak and sore after taking almost an entire month off of yoga (and pretty much all physical activity, for that matter) all the while overindulging in rich food and drink over the holidays. My heart entered 2019 heavy and disappointed as a relationship ended the day before New Years Eve (which also happened to be my 32nd birthday). While both my mind and body ached and urged me to give up that first week, I knew at the core of myself this was something I needed to do (and let’s be real, my competitive spirit couldn’t give up the chance to win a free year of yoga). While the desire to quit didn’t dissipate quickly — it took weeks, in fact — I’m grateful that I listened to that nagging voice within me and pushed through to complete 35 classes throughout the month of January.

As I sit here now reflecting on the impact this challenge has had on me, it’s more immense than I could possibly fit into this blog post. Rather than trying to fit in every lesson I learned and each way I grew, I decided to focus on the areas I feel I gained and grew the most: strength of body and strength of mind. While these two concepts do not exist outside of one another because they are intrinsically woven together, for the sake of both brevity and organization, I will be splitting these lessons into two entries. This first post will focus on body, and in Part 2 I’ll be back with the ways my mind has simultaneously strengthened throughout January’s challenge.

Strength of Body

It never ceases to amaze me just how much strength any single pose requires. Every downward dog I held those first couple weeks in January brought on so much discomfort it left me taken aback by just how weak I felt in my own body. I remember wondering if and when this would shift. And while I’m not sure exactly when this occurred, by the end of the month I was amazed by just how much physical (and mental) strength I felt, even amidst the soreness and discomfort. By the last week of this challenge, I found myself celebrating my aching muscles and trembling forearms during chaturangas and chair poses, grateful for the strength I’d gained and proud of just how far my body had come.

One of the greatest (and most unexpected) gifts of this challenge is the increased appreciation for and acceptance of my body, just as it is. While I know this didn’t come from the January challenge alone, there was a distinct moment (which I’ll share about in a moment) when I realized just how far I’d come in this area over the past 9 months of my practice. My first introduction to yoga was during Blue Sky’s “Yoga Virgins” series this past May. I remember how Erin would start and end each session: taking a moment to give appreciation to the bodies that brought us here and moved us through our practice. I remember my automatic, visceral reaction this idea, resigning myself to the fact that this simply would not be a part of my practice. Not because I felt above it, but because it felt like a distant impossibility; quite honestly, I could not imagine myself ever getting to a place where I would truly appreciate my body — where I would look at it with anything other than frustration, disdain, and if I’m being completely honest and vulnerable, disgust. 

Over the past 9 months (and certainly throughout this month), I have come to slowly but surely appreciate this body I have been gifted. I’ve come to know it more intimately than ever before and to begin to appreciate all it does for me every second of every minute of every day of this life. I’ve begun to learn just how strong it is, how lucky I am that it works so well and can do so much, and how considerably it can continue to grow in strength and flexibility as I nurture and lovingly push it to its edge.

A Turning Point

Last Monday I was feeling emotionally low and physically bloated as I entered into Annie’s final ‘Monday Medicine’ class of the month. It was definitely one of those days where showing up at all felt like a major win. As we moved into our first downward dog of the class and I looked down at my bloated, imperfect body, the thought popped into my head “I’m disgusting.” Almost instantaneously a smile spread across my face as I joyously realized that 

1. I couldn’t remember the last time that thought entered my mind — a thought that used to be present during every class I took 

   and... 

2. I no longer believed it. I calmly responded to that voice and to my body, “You’re not disgusting. You are beautiful and you are strong.” The most powerful piece of this was that I didn’t say it because I was supposed to, but because I truly believed it. 

Somehow, without intentionally battling against that thought or even actively trying to alter it, that belief changed for me. By the mere practice of coming to yoga, becoming more acquainted with my body, and offering small gratitudes along the way, I moved from a place of abhorrence to genuine love and appreciation for this precious body of mine. This body is beautiful and resilient and strong. And I say that now not as a cliche or a practice of acceptance, but as a declaration of something I wholeheartedly believe for the first time in my life.

I hope that whatever body you are walking through this life in, you find sweet moments of acceptance, gratitude, and genuine love for it (even if those moments are brief or fleeting). And if you’re not there yet, know that that is truly okay. Wherever you are today, in this moment, is exactly where you need to be. Rest confident that the only constant in life is change and that where you are today isn’t where you’ll be tomorrow, next week, 9 months from now, or on January 1st of 2020 when the next challenge begins. January’s challenge and my time at Blue Sky has been a life-altering gift already; I can’t wait to see what the rest of 2019 has to offer. See you on the mat.